I sincerely hope my troubles would melt like lemon drops

After horrible DD period has past, now I realize the remaining days of this year will be the low ebb of my career. We got new blood; fresh on board; Uncle V put all his attention on Monica, CY and Jay. This is their moment now; ours has past.
I still don’t know where I am going, and how Uncle V thinks of me. I am afraid that I will not have what I expect to have after our division. I believe David has the same feeling as me. After all, he was the one falling from the cloud. It was all water under the bridge.
I swore that I don’t wanna winding up like C and R. I had my goal and ambition before. Now it doesn’t matter any more. Partially because of the timing, and the other was because of J. Whether it was the right choice or the worst choice of my life does not weigh that much anymore. I am into it/him, irresistibly.
I cried in his car again last night. I remember we were talking about marriage; about how we envy at Eric and David; and how difficult to find the person to spend the rest of our life with. We were walking along the street of Zhe Da Rd, side by side, with cars and pedestrians passing by. On an impulse, I had a though to be with him forever, and discontinuing my longest anticipation. I was scared by the though, and I was suddenly sucking in a dilemma which preoccupies me since the day I promised J that I would give him a slight chance. Wasn’t I giving myself a slight chance to picture the life being without Franck?

Bigger than my body--John Mayer

This is a call to the color-blind
This is an IOU
I'm stranded behind a horizon line
Tried to be something true

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fears to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be something much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

Why is it not the time?
What is there more to learn?
I've shed this skin that I've been chipping at
And I've never quite returned

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fears to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be something much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for
Cause I'm bigger than my body now

Maybe I'll tangle in the power lines
And it might be over in a second's time
But I'll glady go down in a flame
If the flame's what it takes to remember my name

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fears to dry
Wait for my fears to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be something much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body now

Beyond Betrayal

At the very last Sunday, we made love. But I couldn't feel being more distant from the man whom I have physical contact with. The contact made me feel detached.

From the first day I allowed him to get closer to me, I felt that my commitment carried sin against all the rules, self-conscious, and moral principles. It was not like the feeling of betrayal. I have done this before, I have betrayed no matter whom I love, loved, don't love; I even good at deceiving myself. My world is full of lies. But these feelings to him, are something else.

"Dec. 22nd [1938] — Betrayals during war are childlike compared with our betrayals during peace. New lovers are nervous and tender, but smash everything. For the heart is an organ of fire," quoted from English Patient.

The line had been crossed too much. what is left behind lust and desire?

Me: Franckie, may I ask you a question?

Franckie: Sure!

Me: Franckie, do you think I am a mean girl? do you think I have bad temper?

Franckie: You are not a mean girl, but you have ferocious temper.

Me: What do you mean ferocious..? I don't know the word.

Franckie: Then you should check dictionary..

Me: How do you spell it?

Franckie: F-i-r...no, it's F-e-r-o-c-i-o-u-s.

Me: Ok, I am checking...Wait for a sec...

(Ferocious:1. 兇猛的;殘忍的; 2. 【口】非常的;驚人的)

Me: Oh, come on... how could you say that? I am not ferocious, I am fine! what do you mean ferocious? am I a tiger to you or something? (Shouting...)

Franckie: see, just like that.

Murakami Haruki

I love Murakami Haruki.

It's really shallow to say something like that. But that is exactly how I feel about his novels and personality. The expression coming from his novels always knocks my heart very bad. Bang! Bang! Bang!

Here are my favorite Murakami Novels:

1987-Norwigian Wood


1988-Dance Dance Dance

1992-South of the Border, West of the Sun



South of The Border
Written by Michael Carr and Jimmy Kennedy
(As recorded by Patsy Cline 8/25/61)

South of the border - down mexico way
That's where I fell in love、where the stars above - came out to play
And now as I wander - my thoughts ever stray
South of the border - down mexico way

She was a picture - in old spanish lace
Just for a tender while、I kissed a smile - upon her face
'cause it was fiesta - and we were so gay
South of the border - mexico way

Then she smiled as she whispered manjanna
Never dreaming that we were parting
Then I lied as a whispered manjanna
'cause our tomorrow never came

South of the border - I jumped back one day
There in a veil of white、by the candle light - she knelt to pray
The mission bells told me (ding-dong) - that I musn't stay
South of the border - mexico way



1999-Sputnik Sweetheart

Rockstar--Nickelback

I'm through with standing in line
to clubs we'll never get in
It's like the bottom of the ninth
and I'm never gonna win
This life hasn't turned out
quite the way I want it to be

I want a brand new house
on an episode of Cribs
And a bathroom I can play baseball in
And a king size tub big enough
for ten plus me

I'll need a credit card that's got no limit
And a big black jet with a bedroom in it
Gonna join the mile high club
At thirty-seven thousand feet

I want a new tour bus full of old guitars
My own star on Hollywood Boulevard
Somewhere between Cher and
James Dean is fine for me

I'm gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair and change my name

[CHORUS]
'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blond hair

Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar
Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar

I wanna be great like Elvis without the tassels
Hire eight body guards that love to beat up assholes
Sign a couple autographs
So I can eat my meals for free

I think I'm gonna dress my ass
with the latest fashion
Get a front door key to the Playboy mansion
Gonna date a centerfold that loves to
blow my money for me

I'm gonna trade this life
For fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair
And change my name

'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blond hair
And we'll hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary and
today's who's who
They'll get you anything
with that evil smile
Everybody's got a
drug dealer on speed dial
Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar
Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar

I'm gonna sing those songs
that offend the censors
Gonna pop my pills
from a pez dispenser
When they ask why I drink all day
I'll say because I can

I'll get washed-up singers writing all my songs
Lip sync em every night so I don't get 'em wrong
Then listen to the fans tell me how damn good I am

I'm gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair and change my name

Charles Dickinson's Dilemma

When Charles Dickinson wrote "this is the best time; this is the worst time," I believe he was having an affair with his work colleauge. That's right, here we go agin, I am having a relationship with someone who is not my official boyfriend. I couldn't help but wonder, if this is really my tendency, or it just happens coincidnetally once a while in my life?

Back to my prior relationships, not I am so pride of it, but why this kinda shit happens agin and agin on me? Another day I confessed to J that I was having a relationship with Yi-Chiang while I was in the U.S. I regards the memory existing between Yi-Chiang and me as the worst nightmare that I could have and I have sworn that I will never make the same mistake again. I mean, both of us did not get any benifit from the affair, and we wound up in hating each other and heartbreak. I never know what I was thinking back to then, and I realize that i was not thinking at that moment; the major mistake was I took it for granted. I shoulda fought to my very last conscious and sensibility but I failed to do that. I did not even bother to try it. I surrendered, and now I eat what I shit.(Sounds very fair)

Once again, I am making mistake..and it is a taboo to fall for my own colleague. Then what will come to the next? Can Charles Dickinson be my salvation?

Don't judge a girl on her back

As title.

Iris, me, and myself

20070728 NY Bagles

Iris will argue that I look much nicer than her.

Pop Goes My Heart

[VERSE 1]
I never thought that I could be so satisfied,
Everytime that I look in your angel eyes.
A shock inside me that words just can't describe,
And there's no explaining.
There's something in the way you move, I can't deny,
Every word from your lips is a lullaby.
A twist of fate makes life worth while,
You are gold and silver.

[CHORUS]
I said I wasn't gonna lose my head, but then
POP! Goes my heart.
I wasn't gonna fall in love again, but then
POP! Goes my heart.
And I just can't let you go,
I can't lose this feeling.

[VERSE 2]
These precious moments, we have so few,
Lets go far away, where there's nothing to do but play.
You shoo to me that my destiny's with you,
And there's no explaining.
Lets fly so high, will you come with me tonight?
In your dress, I confess, you're the source of light.
The way you shine in the starry skies,
You are gold and silver.

[CHORUS] Repeat x2
(after first repeat there is is an interupt of lyrics shown below)

A twist of fate makes life worth while,
You are gold and silver.

(second chorus repeat excludes "I can't lose this feeling.")

What I've done--Linkin Park

In this farewell, There is no blood
There is no alibi
Cause I've drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousands lies
So let mercy come and wash away

What I've Done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
and let go of what I've done

Put to rest, What you thought of me
Well, I clean this slate
With the hands, Of uncertainty
So let mercy come, And Wash away

What I've Done
I'll face myself
Tto cross what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done

For what I've done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I'm forgiving what I've done

I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done
(Na,Na,Na)

What I've Done
What I've Done
Forgetting what I've done

It's happening, and it's probably end by now.

Eveyone lives in the different ways; and dies in different ways.
But that does not matter
The last one who survived, is desert only.
The real one who survived, is desert only.

I have sworn that I had been brain washed, then I should have not remembered anything took place last night, between 6 p.m. and 8 p.m. So the following secret lies with me. and that makes the blog unreveal forever.

Jack said he fell in love with me. He said he could not hide it anymore while we were walking outside the Vieshow movie theater, side by side. He was silient, and I asked him why, so all the things blurted out.

At that moment in the car, he held my hand, very nervous. And I gave him a very hard time. I told him not to waste time on me, and I told him that spooky story about Yi-Chiang. And he was very sad and disappointed. I was even more down then I appearred on my face then.

I saw it's coming, but I let myself sink in the happiness too long I could not help. I let it happen, because I wanna stay like this a little longer. it's too nice to have company like him. But it is all gonna end right now.

What makes me suffered is a feeling is fading, a relationship is fading. No response on message or msn. No calls anymore, no hangout and no more bullshit. What is lost is lost, there is no way to trace it back.

Do I regret to turn him down? no. But I feel very lost and I just wish my earth is rotating just as the way it was. I pray no change between us, or my life.

I found the the more a person grows up, the less he can afford to loss. I don't want to loss him. That is the little voice in my heart.

離人 (A mandarin song I learned recently)

銀色小船搖搖晃晃彎彎　懸在絨絨的天上
妳的心事三三倆倆藍藍　停在我幽幽心上
妳說情到深處人怎能不孤獨　愛到濃時就牽腸掛肚
我的行李孤孤單單散散惹惆悵

離人放逐到邊界　彷彿走入第五個季節
晝夜亂了和諧　潮泛任性漲退　字典裡沒春天
離人揮霍著眼淚　迴避還在眼前的離別
妳不敢想明天　我不肯說再見
有人說　一次告別天上就會有顆星又熄滅

Over the Rainbow

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

Some day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can't I?
Some day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemondrops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

The Theory of Horse and Buggy

First I will say, in terms of wedding attendant, man has different perspective than woman has. Last Saturday Frackie came to Taipei because I asked him to attend a wedding of my work colleague with me. To be honest, knowing him for years, I've never been to a wedding with him. (Like the preview of a movie!)

Back to the issue what I brought, a mam cerntainly has differnt point of view with regard to wedding, or more precisely, marriage. Frank Sinatra said " Love and marriage, love and marriage, they go together like horse and carriage; you cannot to have one without anyother" I believe the time he sang this song, he had gotten bounded by his wife and a bunch of kids; he tried to persuade unmarried men into the poor where they call it "hell". Does marriage really come after love?

To David and Petty, my colleague and his wife, marriage seemed come very late after love. They have met and dated each other for seven years. Gee, seven years, do you know how long is seven years? Say you give a birth right now and seven years from now, the kiddo is going to elementary school sitting beside the very first opposite sex creature he/she could every meet,and trying to hate the world. But anyway, they are one of happy couples right now. Another interesting fact is that; most of time, David and Petty don't even live together. Because of their different office locations, David lives alone in Danshai and Petty lives with her parents in Taipei city. So is it worty? why people under this kinda circumstance still want to get married?

Then here comes my theroy; the longer two people's relationship last, the less they care about marriage; I am not saying if they want a marriage, but the situation to get married.David just got a position in Asus for not even a year; I bet he is not financially ready to it. So way? why don't they care if the guy is successful in his career before he undertakes the family responsibilty? I say, because of the age of bride, they could not wait.

Of course this is just a though, but marriage does come after marriage, as long as there is a trigger event. (Then where is mine?)

A twist to be

Franck might be going back to France, forever.

We are now facing a twist that will change our life, big one. I received his call this evening on the way back home. he told me that he is haveing a problem in applying his employment pass in Singapore. "How come?" I was surprised. But that was true; he got rejected from Singapore Administration for getting a temporary employment pass; now he cannot make it to be on board next monday. I don't know if he failed to get the temporary one, he still can get the permanent one.

It will be so unfair to him, or to us; he has gone this far to get in Singapore. I refuse to imagine him going back to France, and everything will be staring over again. I am so sorry about the fight I initiated the day before. It was horrible, and destructive. Now I realize it might sweep every effort we had builed so far, and I don't know once he goes back, can we still be so lucky like this?

After hung up on Franckie, the only thought I had was regreting. Why have I done? I swore on the day Frackie left me two years ago that I am willing to sacrifice everything to be with him. But look at me, I have become a monster who is never satisfed. I have obeyed my oath. I promised that I will wait for him for nine years, now it is just one third of it.

Now I will cross my fingers and pray, I will keep on being patient and waitng for him no matter what happens in the next few weeks. And I will not bring him any more pressure from now on and manage to make him happy if he gets chance to stay. God help me, I don't wanna give up.

Sweet Escape--Gwan Stefini

If I could escape
I would, but first of all let me say
I must apologize for acting, stinking, treating you this way
Cause I've been acting like sour milk all on the floor
It's your fault you didn't shut the refridgerator
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold

If I could escape
And re-create a place as my own world
And I could be your favorite girl
Forever, perfectly together
Tell me boy, now wouldn't that be sweet?

If I could be sweet
I know I've been a real bad girl
I didn't mean for you to get hurt
Whatsoever, we can make it better
Tell me boy, Now wouldn't that be sweet?
Sweet escape

(I wanna get away, to our sweet escape)

You let me down
I'm at my lowest boiling point
Come help me out
I need to get me out of this joint
Come on, let's bounce
Counting on you to turn me around
Instead of clowning around let's look for some common ground

So baby, times getting a little crazy
I've been getting a little lazy
Waiting for you to come save me
I can see that you're angry
By the way the you treat me
Hopefully you don't leave me
Want to take you with me

If I could escape
And re-create a place as my own world
And I could be your favorite girl
Forever, perfectly together
Ttell me boy, now wouldn't that be sweet?

If I could be sweet
I know I've been a real bad girl
I didn't mean for you to get hurt
Forever, we can make it better
Tell me boy, now wouldn't that be sweet?
Sweet escape

(Woo-who, yee-who)x4

If I could escape

Cause I've been acting like sour milk fell on the floor
It's your fault you didn't shut the refridgerator
Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold

If I could escape
And re-create a place in my own world
And I could be your favorite girl
Forever, perfectly together
Tell me boy, now wouldn't that be sweet?

If I could be sweet
I know I've been a real bad girl
I didn't mean for you to get hurt
Forever, we can make it better
Tell me boy, now wouldn't that be sweet?
Sweet escape

A Fight in between

We had a fight last night. It was certainly not something stupid,it's fucking serious--our furture.

Somehow I believe that in a relationship, you gotta to find a balance. The effort that one and the other make has to be equivalent, no more, no less; Otherwise, the relationship will not last. But how to measure such effort? how to embody the thing that you cannot see?

No answer; there will never be a proper answer.

I remember the day he left me, I was crying, and feel depressed. It took months to feel myself and other things surrounded me, such as friends, life, movies, and remainding studies. I was sucked up into a vacuum cleaner; it was like someone took my right arm from my body, I struggled to move on without the arm that I used to for a long time. I never expect that he would walk with me for these years, of course I am touched. But where does this relationship lead me? two years have passed and my heart is still empty; I hurt whenever I think about us. He asked, "where is the problem?" I was silent. A Monster between us, it is going to show up one day. I don't even know what it looks like, but I am aware that it will be my worst nightmare. I fully understand that it was my choice; I am doomed to be in love with this persion and be bound by such irresistible, consuming, inconvenient love. I have no leeway. I will not be happy or satisfy even I got out. How pathetic.

I am dissolving; I am dissolving into molecules because of a thoght of losing love to you.

You're still the one--Shania Twain

(This is for us, Bello)


Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday

* They said "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong

** (You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life
(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night

Ain't nothin' better
We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen
Look at what we would be missin'

[Repeat *, **]

You're still the one

[Repeat **]

I'm so glad we made it
Look how far we've come my baby

To be, or not to be.

To be or not to be, that is the question—
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep—
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to — 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep—
To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life,
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th'oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despis'd[1] love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th'unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch[2] and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.[3]

Wild Hogs

A comedy about an adventure for four mid-aged men. The reason I wanted to see the movie is somehow I believe suburban bikers are part of American culture, the part that I will never get. I have seen some bikers around Indiana, or on the way I was heading somewhere else.The history of Motorcycle Club (MC)was starting from 1903 in New York; but after World War II, Some pilots who used to service during the wartime, wanted the same thrills they experience in the war. Of course nowadays the culture and the meaning of MC are totally different from before; however, what has never changed is the goals to pursuit their own freedom and demostration of brave.

The four characters: Woody Stevens (John Travolta), Doug Madsen (Tim Allen), Bobby Davis (Martin Lawrence), and Dudley Frank (William H. Macy) are all middle-aged men, and they are all encountering bottleneck of their life. They decide to initiate a journey, and through the journey, they have found the passion to their life again.

Another reason I went to see the movice was because of William H. Macy. He is a good acter. "Fargo" was the first movie I met this outstanding actor in 1996. The was also the moment I fell in love with movies. In ten years from then, he tried various roles: Cops, good fathers, captains, etc. He always makes people he is a good old man, and very easy to go along with. Maybe next time, he will try some negtive characters, like bad guys, or mean bankers.

Tough Call (Part I)

Tristan called again and again; and the opportunity to change my career is knocking. Hamlet: to be, or not to be.

Dad is like disapproved about my changing jobs so soon, and that is a real concern because I am not even sure if I change my job to F company, I am going to stay longer than the period I work for A company.

Dad, as a senior manger of his company, proposed me five prongs to weigh two different career paths; 1. Salary; 2. Career Development; 3.stability; 4. environment; and 5. fitness. The analysis is provided as follows;
1. Salary: I monthly fixed salary II stocks and bonus III other benefit and welfare.
2. Career Development: I connection with my expertise; II Personality of Boss; III incentive of two different jobs III impact to the future career.
3. stability: I short term-at least 3-5 years; long term-5-10 years. II If the position is in the main core of the company, or the branch of the company III permanent or temporary; IV whether the Boss will stay long.
4. Environment: Life/work
5. Fitness: do I fit the position?

There are a couple of people I would like to know their opinions toward this matter: Dad and Mom of course; Franckie (Even though I had a hug fight with him last night and I feel sorry about my acting out!); Jack and Nancy; Chrisdy's classmate, who is now working in the Legal Affair Office of F company.

I just hope that Tristan allows me more time to gather all these information and opinions.

Make a Memory-- Bon Jovi

Hello again, it's you and me
Kinda always like it used to be
Sippin' wine, killing time
Trying to solve life's mysteries

How's your life, it's been a while
God it's good to see you smile
I see you reaching for your keys
Looking for a reason not to leave

If you don't know if you should stay
If you don't say what's on your mind
Baby just breathe
There's nowhere else tonight we should be

You wanna make a memory?

I dug up this old photograph
Look at all that hair we had.
It's bittersweet to hear you laugh
Your phone is ringing I don't wanna ask

If you go now, I'll understand
If you stay, hey, I've got a plan
We're gonna make a memory
You wanna steal a piece of time
You can sing the melody to me
And I can write a couple of lines

You wanna make a memory?

If you don't know if you should stay
And you don't say what's on your mind
Baby just breathe
There's nowhere else tonight we should be

You wanna make a memory
You wanna steal a piece of time
You can sing the melody to me
And I can write a couple of lines

You wanna make a memory?

Hinder

The Lips of an Angel--Hinder

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those wordsa it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

The first

That will be the first

In order to know myself better(?), I decided to create another blog, which no one will be aware so far. This is going to be a diary for myself; one day I will get ready to share with Franckie. But the threshold is I will keep our relationship with him by then. I am a pessimist.

I have been living without Franck being around for two years. I was telling Chris this is a better way for our relationship; I need to train myself to be more independent. This is also why I started a new blog--creating a new method to keep me busy.

This is the picture taken in HK by Franckie. I picked it up as the first picture to this blog because this is "the pic " which is able to represent my lack of cofidence character the most.