Beyond Betrayal

At the very last Sunday, we made love. But I couldn't feel being more distant from the man whom I have physical contact with. The contact made me feel detached.

From the first day I allowed him to get closer to me, I felt that my commitment carried sin against all the rules, self-conscious, and moral principles. It was not like the feeling of betrayal. I have done this before, I have betrayed no matter whom I love, loved, don't love; I even good at deceiving myself. My world is full of lies. But these feelings to him, are something else.

"Dec. 22nd [1938] — Betrayals during war are childlike compared with our betrayals during peace. New lovers are nervous and tender, but smash everything. For the heart is an organ of fire," quoted from English Patient.

The line had been crossed too much. what is left behind lust and desire?

Me: Franckie, may I ask you a question?

Franckie: Sure!

Me: Franckie, do you think I am a mean girl? do you think I have bad temper?

Franckie: You are not a mean girl, but you have ferocious temper.

Me: What do you mean ferocious..? I don't know the word.

Franckie: Then you should check dictionary..

Me: How do you spell it?

Franckie: F-i-r...no, it's F-e-r-o-c-i-o-u-s.

Me: Ok, I am checking...Wait for a sec...

(Ferocious:1. 兇猛的;殘忍的; 2. 【口】非常的;驚人的)

Me: Oh, come on... how could you say that? I am not ferocious, I am fine! what do you mean ferocious? am I a tiger to you or something? (Shouting...)

Franckie: see, just like that.