Beyond Betrayal

At the very last Sunday, we made love. But I couldn't feel being more distant from the man whom I have physical contact with. The contact made me feel detached.

From the first day I allowed him to get closer to me, I felt that my commitment carried sin against all the rules, self-conscious, and moral principles. It was not like the feeling of betrayal. I have done this before, I have betrayed no matter whom I love, loved, don't love; I even good at deceiving myself. My world is full of lies. But these feelings to him, are something else.

"Dec. 22nd [1938] — Betrayals during war are childlike compared with our betrayals during peace. New lovers are nervous and tender, but smash everything. For the heart is an organ of fire," quoted from English Patient.

The line had been crossed too much. what is left behind lust and desire?

Me: Franckie, may I ask you a question?

Franckie: Sure!

Me: Franckie, do you think I am a mean girl? do you think I have bad temper?

Franckie: You are not a mean girl, but you have ferocious temper.

Me: What do you mean ferocious..? I don't know the word.

Franckie: Then you should check dictionary..

Me: How do you spell it?

Franckie: F-i-r...no, it's F-e-r-o-c-i-o-u-s.

Me: Ok, I am checking...Wait for a sec...

(Ferocious:1. 兇猛的;殘忍的; 2. 【口】非常的;驚人的)

Me: Oh, come on... how could you say that? I am not ferocious, I am fine! what do you mean ferocious? am I a tiger to you or something? (Shouting...)

Franckie: see, just like that.

Murakami Haruki

I love Murakami Haruki.

It's really shallow to say something like that. But that is exactly how I feel about his novels and personality. The expression coming from his novels always knocks my heart very bad. Bang! Bang! Bang!

Here are my favorite Murakami Novels:

1987-Norwigian Wood


1988-Dance Dance Dance

1992-South of the Border, West of the Sun



South of The Border
Written by Michael Carr and Jimmy Kennedy
(As recorded by Patsy Cline 8/25/61)

South of the border - down mexico way
That's where I fell in love、where the stars above - came out to play
And now as I wander - my thoughts ever stray
South of the border - down mexico way

She was a picture - in old spanish lace
Just for a tender while、I kissed a smile - upon her face
'cause it was fiesta - and we were so gay
South of the border - mexico way

Then she smiled as she whispered manjanna
Never dreaming that we were parting
Then I lied as a whispered manjanna
'cause our tomorrow never came

South of the border - I jumped back one day
There in a veil of white、by the candle light - she knelt to pray
The mission bells told me (ding-dong) - that I musn't stay
South of the border - mexico way



1999-Sputnik Sweetheart

Rockstar--Nickelback

I'm through with standing in line
to clubs we'll never get in
It's like the bottom of the ninth
and I'm never gonna win
This life hasn't turned out
quite the way I want it to be

I want a brand new house
on an episode of Cribs
And a bathroom I can play baseball in
And a king size tub big enough
for ten plus me

I'll need a credit card that's got no limit
And a big black jet with a bedroom in it
Gonna join the mile high club
At thirty-seven thousand feet

I want a new tour bus full of old guitars
My own star on Hollywood Boulevard
Somewhere between Cher and
James Dean is fine for me

I'm gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair and change my name

[CHORUS]
'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blond hair

Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar
Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar

I wanna be great like Elvis without the tassels
Hire eight body guards that love to beat up assholes
Sign a couple autographs
So I can eat my meals for free

I think I'm gonna dress my ass
with the latest fashion
Get a front door key to the Playboy mansion
Gonna date a centerfold that loves to
blow my money for me

I'm gonna trade this life
For fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair
And change my name

'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blond hair
And we'll hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary and
today's who's who
They'll get you anything
with that evil smile
Everybody's got a
drug dealer on speed dial
Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar
Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar

I'm gonna sing those songs
that offend the censors
Gonna pop my pills
from a pez dispenser
When they ask why I drink all day
I'll say because I can

I'll get washed-up singers writing all my songs
Lip sync em every night so I don't get 'em wrong
Then listen to the fans tell me how damn good I am

I'm gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair and change my name

Charles Dickinson's Dilemma

When Charles Dickinson wrote "this is the best time; this is the worst time," I believe he was having an affair with his work colleauge. That's right, here we go agin, I am having a relationship with someone who is not my official boyfriend. I couldn't help but wonder, if this is really my tendency, or it just happens coincidnetally once a while in my life?

Back to my prior relationships, not I am so pride of it, but why this kinda shit happens agin and agin on me? Another day I confessed to J that I was having a relationship with Yi-Chiang while I was in the U.S. I regards the memory existing between Yi-Chiang and me as the worst nightmare that I could have and I have sworn that I will never make the same mistake again. I mean, both of us did not get any benifit from the affair, and we wound up in hating each other and heartbreak. I never know what I was thinking back to then, and I realize that i was not thinking at that moment; the major mistake was I took it for granted. I shoulda fought to my very last conscious and sensibility but I failed to do that. I did not even bother to try it. I surrendered, and now I eat what I shit.(Sounds very fair)

Once again, I am making mistake..and it is a taboo to fall for my own colleague. Then what will come to the next? Can Charles Dickinson be my salvation?

Don't judge a girl on her back

As title.

Iris, me, and myself

20070728 NY Bagles

Iris will argue that I look much nicer than her.

Pop Goes My Heart

[VERSE 1]
I never thought that I could be so satisfied,
Everytime that I look in your angel eyes.
A shock inside me that words just can't describe,
And there's no explaining.
There's something in the way you move, I can't deny,
Every word from your lips is a lullaby.
A twist of fate makes life worth while,
You are gold and silver.

[CHORUS]
I said I wasn't gonna lose my head, but then
POP! Goes my heart.
I wasn't gonna fall in love again, but then
POP! Goes my heart.
And I just can't let you go,
I can't lose this feeling.

[VERSE 2]
These precious moments, we have so few,
Lets go far away, where there's nothing to do but play.
You shoo to me that my destiny's with you,
And there's no explaining.
Lets fly so high, will you come with me tonight?
In your dress, I confess, you're the source of light.
The way you shine in the starry skies,
You are gold and silver.

[CHORUS] Repeat x2
(after first repeat there is is an interupt of lyrics shown below)

A twist of fate makes life worth while,
You are gold and silver.

(second chorus repeat excludes "I can't lose this feeling.")