I sincerely hope my troubles would melt like lemon drops

After horrible DD period has past, now I realize the remaining days of this year will be the low ebb of my career. We got new blood; fresh on board; Uncle V put all his attention on Monica, CY and Jay. This is their moment now; ours has past.
I still don’t know where I am going, and how Uncle V thinks of me. I am afraid that I will not have what I expect to have after our division. I believe David has the same feeling as me. After all, he was the one falling from the cloud. It was all water under the bridge.
I swore that I don’t wanna winding up like C and R. I had my goal and ambition before. Now it doesn’t matter any more. Partially because of the timing, and the other was because of J. Whether it was the right choice or the worst choice of my life does not weigh that much anymore. I am into it/him, irresistibly.
I cried in his car again last night. I remember we were talking about marriage; about how we envy at Eric and David; and how difficult to find the person to spend the rest of our life with. We were walking along the street of Zhe Da Rd, side by side, with cars and pedestrians passing by. On an impulse, I had a though to be with him forever, and discontinuing my longest anticipation. I was scared by the though, and I was suddenly sucking in a dilemma which preoccupies me since the day I promised J that I would give him a slight chance. Wasn’t I giving myself a slight chance to picture the life being without Franck?

Bigger than my body--John Mayer

This is a call to the color-blind
This is an IOU
I'm stranded behind a horizon line
Tried to be something true

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fears to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be something much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for

Why is it not the time?
What is there more to learn?
I've shed this skin that I've been chipping at
And I've never quite returned

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fears to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be something much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for
Cause I'm bigger than my body now

Maybe I'll tangle in the power lines
And it might be over in a second's time
But I'll glady go down in a flame
If the flame's what it takes to remember my name

Yes, I'm grounded
Got my wings clipped
I'm surrounded (by)
All this pavement
Guess I'll circle
While I'm waiting
For my fears to dry
Wait for my fears to dry

Someday I'll fly
Someday I'll soar
Someday I'll be something much more
Cause I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body
I'm bigger than my body now

Beyond Betrayal

At the very last Sunday, we made love. But I couldn't feel being more distant from the man whom I have physical contact with. The contact made me feel detached.

From the first day I allowed him to get closer to me, I felt that my commitment carried sin against all the rules, self-conscious, and moral principles. It was not like the feeling of betrayal. I have done this before, I have betrayed no matter whom I love, loved, don't love; I even good at deceiving myself. My world is full of lies. But these feelings to him, are something else.

"Dec. 22nd [1938] — Betrayals during war are childlike compared with our betrayals during peace. New lovers are nervous and tender, but smash everything. For the heart is an organ of fire," quoted from English Patient.

The line had been crossed too much. what is left behind lust and desire?

Me: Franckie, may I ask you a question?

Franckie: Sure!

Me: Franckie, do you think I am a mean girl? do you think I have bad temper?

Franckie: You are not a mean girl, but you have ferocious temper.

Me: What do you mean ferocious..? I don't know the word.

Franckie: Then you should check dictionary..

Me: How do you spell it?

Franckie: F-i-r...no, it's F-e-r-o-c-i-o-u-s.

Me: Ok, I am checking...Wait for a sec...

(Ferocious:1. 兇猛的;殘忍的; 2. 【口】非常的;驚人的)

Me: Oh, come on... how could you say that? I am not ferocious, I am fine! what do you mean ferocious? am I a tiger to you or something? (Shouting...)

Franckie: see, just like that.